I haven’t written in ages. I write today with a heavy heart to let you know that Salim and I separated.
But it’s okay. It’s okay because all of us are fine and most importantly the kids are fine.
Also, this made me stronger. Even better, it made me a strong person and a strong mother. I feel like I am more than ever connected to my darling twins because they are all I need.
They are the reason I keep going and keep moving forward in life. Their « je t’aime maman, plus que tout » is really the only thing I’d ever need for my day.
They’re 6 now and can definitely express themselves and I discover tons of stuff with them, everyday and I can’t be more thankful for them.
So this a short tale. A tale of a strong mom who would do anything for her kids. A tale of a mom who discovered herself. A tale of a mom with a heart full of life and love. A tale of a happy, separated mom.
My twins are now two and a half years old. I won’t pretend that I’m therefore an expert at raising kids, but I do feel like there are a few things that I’ve learnt and that I need to share with new parents.
First of all, I’d like to tell you that it’s okay to be scared. To be scared of what to expect, of what not to expect.
I was frightened when I knew that I was pregnant. I was frightened when I knew we were expecting twins, when I knew my baby had a malformation, when I realized that they were ready to get out and meet the world. And it’s okay.
You should also expect to have sleepless nights and tiresome days. You probably already heard that, a lot. You couldn’t hear it enough. First few months are crazy.
You’ll feel like a walking zombie, and once again, it’s absolutely normal. Know that these days will end and that you’ll soon be able to get some sleep and some rest.
As for knowing exactly what to do even if you’ve read all the books in the world, well, you won’t. Situations that you don’t expect will come. Keep that in mind. You’ll know what to do eventually because no one is as competent as you when it comes to your child.
It’s also very normal not to feel parenthood as pictured in movies from day 1. It is something that comes with time, when you see your little ones smile for the first time or when they first say mommy. Be patient.
I think that most importantly, you should not feel bad for not being perfect. Everything will come with time. Being a new parent is full of « it’s okay »s and it is perfectly okay.
With tons of support and good thoughts,
A mother of twins.
Attention: This post is going to be sadder than usual.
A couple of days ago, the sister of a dear friend of mine passed away in a car accident, at the age of 25. Those very sad news got me thinking about life and death but mostly about her parents, and the burden of having to lose a child.
I started thinking about what her family is going through, but mostly what her parents are going through.
Having kids of my own now, I know that what a parent wants, beyond everything, is the well-being and happiness of their child.
I know that when one of my kids gets sick, I feel so bad and it won’t go away until they feel better. I know that when I knew that my little Diane had to go through different medical procedures for her feet, I cried. I can’t see them suffer. I suffer when I see them suffer. And I’m not even exaggerating.
It’s hard to say it, but I can’t even begin to imagine what’s it like to have to say goodbye to your child. To say goodbye to those hopes and dreams that you had for them, to their future you were looking for, to have to say goodbye to the fruit of your own womb.
I know that my life would not make sense anymore. And I’m crazy scared of that thought.
A few years ago, a very dear family had to say goodbye to their 8 year-old. I was heartbroken, I tried being there for his sister, but I can honestly say now that I didn’t really know what it means for the parents. I obviously knew it was hard. I obviously knew that they suffered. But I didn’t really grasp their whole suffering. Until my twins were born.
My heart aches while writing this, while thinking of those parents who lost their children.
To you, Martine and Mikey, to you, the Dahers and the Zgheibs. May God be with you and give you the strength to carry that cross of yours. My thoughts and prayers are with you, always.
It’s almost mother’s day, here in France, and all I could think of is how awesome the father of my children is.
He hasn’t really been very present in my blog posts but he definitely has been in my role as a parent. Let me be honest with you all and keep it simple: I couldn’t and wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for him.
1- He’s a (sleep-deprived) superhero:
I’m writing this as he sleeps besides me. He’s been sleeping early and unexpectedly, lately. He’s been extremely tired because « we » decided that he’s the one who wakes up when the kids wake up during the night, and thanks to Alexandre, that’s 5-6 times per night. And I’ve never heard him complain!
2- He’s Mr. Do-It-All:
The people who know me, know that I’m not much of a tidy/handy person. So yes, he is the one who takes care of the cleaning/ tidying up/ keeping it all together. And he’s doing a superb job at it.
3- He has to keep up with the mom’s mood:
He’s ready to do everything to keep my well-being up and running. A psychologist’s appointment or a mommy-nap? He’s here to keep the kids busy until I have some mommy-time-that-keeps-me-sane.
4- He’s a magician:
He knows how to entertain the kids when nothing worked with me. It’s like, magic!
5- He’s a kid:
He plays like a kid, runs like a kid, shouts like a kid. He’s a kid in an adult’s body. I don’t know how he does it but he has the time of his life doing all those things. Hence, so do the kids.
6- He has a « real » job:
One would think after reading what dad does, that he doesn’t do anything but all of the above. But think differently, he also has a full-time job that he actually goes to every day.
7- He’s a husband:
Duh. But really, he’s the lover-kind of husband. Surprise flowers or breakfast in bed, he knows how to keep things going for us, as a couple.
8- He’s absolutely perfect:
Whether it is him playing with the kids or snoring next to me, he is absolutely perfect in every single way. And this is my tribute to you, my handsome, loving, fun Salim.
Dads, I don’t know how you do it, but please keep being this awesome!
I keep remembering a quote from one of my favorite movies, Juno. « I was born to be a mother, some of us are ». But I’ve learned that it isn’t always that easy nor patent to be a parent. Sometimes, you need to spend time growing your rose to really grasp the importance of it.
And boy, did I grasp the importance of my children.
What started as this crazy idea with my husband to have a child, became my joy and happiness.
What started as this murky idea of fetuses became the very core of my existence.
What started as these few kicks I felt in my tummy became the reason I wake up every morning.
My roses grew up and so did I.
My priorities changed, my life changed, and, thankfully, so did I.
To the purpose of my existence, to my perfect roses, thank you for coming into my life, thank you for brightening my days, thank you for raising me up.
Lately, I’ve been asked a lot what I do in life. To that, I answer that I’m a full time mommy.
I’m not going to say everyone, but almost everyone says that it’s cool when I can actually see judgment in their eyes.
I don’t read minds, but I’m guessing people think negatively of what they call a « stay-at-home mom ».
So here are 8 clichés and why they’re wrong.
1- We don’t have a job:
Yes, we do. It’s a 24/7 job and it’s called being a mommy.
2- We’re missing out on life:
No, we’re not. I actually think I’m fully embracing life by living every step of my children’s path.
3- We don’t have any other choice:
Yes we do, and we get a « real job » when and if we feel like we’re ready to do so.
4- It’s not feminist enough:
I think feminism is about spreading strong vibes. And what is stronger than raising the future Men and Women of our society?
5- It’s just… not fun:
It is TONS of fun. Have you tried playing with kids? It’s the most fun you can have in your entire life!
6- We don’t go out:
I actually try going out and doing random things I like as much as I can. WARNING: You need a cool partner who can accept this and is multifunctional so that they are able to replace you when you’re out.
7- We’re raised this way:
My mom was not a stay-at-home mom. That worked for her and she was, and still is, a perfect mommy. Whatever works for you, yo!
8- We have « this » kind of personality:
I think I’m the most socially outgoing person I know. I’m not introverted, and yes sometimes I get bored at home but I definitely don’t usually enjoy the security of staying at home. I just enjoy spending time with my kids.
In conclusion, stay-at-home moms can be cool and are definitely doing a great JOB. YAY US!!!
Today, I figured it was about time to explain what my little Diane went through- and still is- for her feet.
In fact, as I’ve mentioned before, Diane was born with a malformation in her feet. Basically, her feet were bent inwards towards the ankle. We knew about this when she was still in utero.
The different stages:
1- The therapy:
Since Dee was born, a therapist « massaged » her feet until we could take her out of the hospital. That lasted for three weeks.
2- The cast:
That’s my little one in her first cast. She was barely a few weeks old. It was heartbreaking to see her go through this. It was so hard to hear her cry for help during and after. She had to do this every week for five weeks: Cast off, new cast on.
This was extremely hard on us. Especially on me. But I’m particularly proud of her during that phase, because, even so she was a grumpy baby since she carried 30% of her weight in heavy, wet, cold cast, she was so extremely strong- both physically and mentally.
She literally broke her cast from too much kicking every single time. For some reason, it made me laugh and made me extremely proud of my little strong one.
3- The surgery-or lack of it:
After the five casts, Diane was supposed to undergo a surgery. Luckily, or miraculously, depending on your beliefs, she skipped that step. The doctor said that she never saw this much progression in her entire career and decided, for the first time ever, that a surgery isn’t necessary. That’s my daughter: always the surprise.
4- The splints:
She then had to put splints on. I remember crying my eyes out the first night. She was so much in pain. I didn’t want to go through with this, I didn’t want to see my little one go through this. The thing is, she couldn’t move her legs and that made her very angry.
But as usual, she got used to it and was amazingly doing well and moving well with her splints on. She amazed us by her acrobatic moves!
This lasted for seven months or so.
5- The shoes:
Diane is now a year old. She puts on orthopedic shoes during the day and continues to put her splints during the night.
Her cranky mood is definitely over, and her feet are now part of her life. As a dear friend calls her, she’s a « Happy baby ».
She IS my smiling, strong, full of life, happy baby.
Mes petits ont un an.
Mes petits ne sont plus si petits.
Je n’imagine pas qu’il y a exactement un an, ils étaient tellement minuscules, ils souffraient et moi aussi d’ailleurs. Ca a l’air tellement loin. Et pour une bonne cause: C’est parce qu’ils m’ont fait oublié ces moments douloureux et ont fait que cette aventure d’une année vaille le coup.
Où puis-je commencer… Ils sont la joie de ma vie, ils sont littéralement le meilleur cadeau que j’ai jamais reçu (D’autant plus qu’ils partagent mon anniversaire).
Je suis en train d’écrire et mon coeur est rempli d’amour. Je n’aurais jamais imaginé que je pourrais aimer quelqu’un autant que je les aime. Je n’aurais jamais imaginé que j’ai de l’espace dans mon coeur pour pas un seul mais pour deux êtres humains.
Oui, l’amour est le mot. J’ai été aimée. J’ai aimé. Et c’était juste extraordinaire.
J’aime leurs petits doigts et leurs grands coeurs.
J’aime quand ils haussent leur voix lorsqu’ils sont contrariés et quand ils mettent leur petite tête sur mon épaule pour dormir.
J’aime tout en ces petits êtres humains; ils m’ont appris à aimer et ont rempli d’amour mon âme entière.
J’aime encore plus mon époux, puisqu’il n’est pas seulement mon partenaire et mon meilleur ami, mais aussi le père de mes enfants et de mon être.
Je sais que j’ai aussi été aimée.
J’ai été aimée parce que je n’aurais pas pu faire ça seule. J’ai été aimée par Dieu, mais aussi par ma famille et amis.
J’ai été aimée parce que ces petits monstres m’ont changé la vie et changé qui je suis.
J’ai été aimée, parce que, pour la première fois, j’ai aimé.
My little ones are one year old.
My little ones are not so little anymore.
I can’t believe that exactly a year ago, they were so tiny, they were suffering and so was I. It seems so far away. And for a reason: It’s because they made me forget those painful moments and made this one year adventure worth the ride.
Where can I even begin… They’re the joy of my life, they’re literally the best gift I’ve ever received (Even more so since they share my birthday).
I’m writing this and my heart is filled with love. I could have never imagined I could love someone as much as I love them. I could have never imagined I had a space in my heart for not one but two more human beings.
Yes, love is the word. I’ve been loved. I’ve been loving. And it’s been wonderful.
I love their tiny fingers and their big hearts.
I love the way they higher their voice when they’re upset and when they put their heads on my shoulder to sleep.
I love everything about those tiny human beings, for they have taught me to love and fulfilled my whole soul with love.
I love my husband even more because not only is he my partner and my best friend, but he also is the father of my children and my being.
I know that I have also been loved.
I’ve been loved because I couldn’t have done this alone. I’ve been loved by God, but also by my family and friends.
I’ve been loved because those little munchkins changed my life and changed who I am.
I’ve been loved because for the first time in my life, I’m able to love.